We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Pooping to opera.
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