i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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