Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
