i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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