shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
