Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
