Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
