you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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