What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
