you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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