the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Randomize
