i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
