even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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