I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
