I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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