Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
time to smoke my breakfast
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
