I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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