did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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