Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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