I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
please don't ironically join a cult
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