It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize