the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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