I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
he fucked my hip out of place.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
