I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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