I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
