I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
