i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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