Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
