i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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