TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
