Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
