The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
