I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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