New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
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