I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
