oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize