I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
