By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
