but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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