I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
