She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
