From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
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