Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
