she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
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