i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
