so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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