I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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