Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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