my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
