Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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