just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
my phone needs a breathalizer
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
