mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
