At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
