Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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