So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
