I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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