Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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